Entrapment

Saturday 25th May 2013

12.03am

'your letters they all say that you're beside me now.
then why do I feel alone?
i'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web
is fastening my ankle to a stone.

now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

for now I need your hidden love.
i'm cold as a new razor blade.
you left when I told you I was curious,
i never said that I was brave.'

              --- 'so long marianne' by leonard cohen.

bittersweet.

1.23am

'nah. i'm being lullabyed by leonard cohen

-- haven't yet got to sleep. drank coffee too late!

hehe. so you can be as loud as you want.

good night darling. x '

6.52am

'remembered i have a skype arrangement

with my g'parents in england - so won't be 

coming to breakfast. have a good time, and a

great day at work. love to you both. x'

7am

skype conversation with my grandparents in england.

duration - 48 minutes

..and then the loneliness sets in.

8.11am

 

'- i have a surplus of apples that need juicing. 

could i bring them over at some stage and juice them? x'

8.25am

 'do you (and r?) want to still go to the

african thing at 11.30am? do you want to have breakfast together

beforehand? x'

9am

breakfast at r's.

porridge with coconut oil, apples and pears

+

fried potato, leak, onion and baked beans.

+

chai rooibos

floodlight of sunshine;

foetal on the single matteress

dreaming of being a child

in a nor westerly christchurch.

i am convinced.

9.40am

monsanto march conversation.

10.30am

resentment rising,

thick in the air.

suffocation.

anger?

11am

 do dishes with tidy flatmate

who is cleaning around me.

not a word.

11.30am

 

african culture day at town hall:

speeches by an egyptian minister of international affairs.

then a new zealander police man:

'safer communities, safer cultures.

can i recruit now?'

nauseous.

leave.

midday

walk down through civic square

along the waterfront,

retracing the steps of the night before

but heavier in heart.

anticipating seeing him.

or somebody atleast.

wind is chilling and my stomach is knots.

why?

why can i not work through this?

what is this?

12.15pm

walk back to the town hall,

back to the festivities.

dancing, food.

need cashout.

still scanning audience for familiar faces;

none.

and then one.

i walk across the hall

and slowly come up behind him.

backward embrace.

and the leave in search of cash,

with promises of return.

12.30pm

walking up cuba st,

that wind has some chill in it,

head home for coat

wondering why, i had left my friend,

when i was so lonely.

is this a refection of me?

knot.

12.35pm

spotted.

neighbour friend. dreamy. and sunny.

cross the road.

embrace.

'i knocked on your door'

coffee?

YES.

anything.

walk down to raglan rose.

order hot chocolate with no marshmallows

'we don't have marshmallows! ;)'

talk about the trap door,

about the opening.

'moving out of the neighbourhood'

stare blankly at the walls.

empty.

emptied.

14.10pm

 pay for drink

card balancing on wallet

ready to get cashout at atm.

get to atm.

no wallet.

calm search through bag.

book. another book. camera.

house keys. pen. pencil.

no wallet.

panic.

walk down street back to raglan,

no wallet there.

check footpath.

nothing there.

panic.

why now?

stay calm.

it's okay.

check footpath again.

check raglan again.

then walk defeated to the bank 

thinking it is friday.

but it isn't.

it is 13.30 saturday.

next step?

14.45pm

go to town hall

'what do you want me to do?'

'i just want to cry'

next step?

go to comfort.

ask her for cashout.

get a hug.

i do.

15.09

march against monsanto.

speeches.

freeze.

glib walk up,

arm around,

and take over the microphone.

mana

disorientated.

overwhelmed.

sad.

heavy.

intense body language.

too much.

boundary crossing.

the march i have been waiting for so long

heads off into the evening.

an i am left with two males,

one on a bicycle 

multilayered,

intense,

caring.

no bad meant.

the other,

young,

shell shocked,

quiet,

a patchiness across his face.

overhwhelmed.

now the two of us sit down.

laugh at our plight.

i nestle my head on his woollen shoulder.

comfort.

15.30

head down cuba st,

putting leaflets in card wind screen wipers.

bemused.

shell shocked

+

overhwhelmed

hand in hand.

kebab.

some comfort.

head home.

walk in the door

and he takes off his bag and dives onto the floor.

quiet. silent. still.

pale faced. 

shell shocked.

i embrace him.

this is not  crossing my boundaries.

kiss him on the forehead.

make some tea.

lemongrass.

give shoulder and back massage.

then we leave.

17.45

 another kebab.

bus stop.

good bye.

18.30

and then she arrives.

lost amidst the crowds of saturday night revellers.

we have dinner.

indecisive as usual.

thai. fast. yummy. cheap.

so comfortable to see her,

after months,

after a decade of friendship

that took us riding into adulthood.

20.35

dropped her at her nice hotel.

$110.00 for 12 hours 30 minutes.

21.05

home and alone.

21.30

neighbour comes over.

daft punk on.

peppermint tea.

and then the dreamy finger traces itself

across a 'lifesize' map of india.

in candle light.

promiscuity?

am i.

23.45

 i slip into my bed,

and she turns out the light.

asleep.

x